Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
