found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
