so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
