you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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