Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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