if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
