everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
