OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
