College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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