He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
