You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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