Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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