WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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