I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
