I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
