Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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