Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my phone needs a breathalizer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Sober January is a disaster.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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