We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
