im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
