You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dicks are not precious.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
