I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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