The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
