"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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