i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
