I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
