We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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