Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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