Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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