I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize