its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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