the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
