I hate your face
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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