For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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