I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
