i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
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In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
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Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.