So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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