i only shaved half my leg
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.