I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
