So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
