If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
