well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
