Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
