K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
