i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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