What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
