things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
