He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we're making bets on your personal life
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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