Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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