Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
