She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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