i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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