fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
