A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
