right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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