I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
