seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
