someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
